The Coast News Group
Doorman Diaries

Something is ‘curious’ with owner of monkey

I have a sneaking suspicion that Curious George’s owner, the Man With the Yellow Hat, is a drug dealer. 
Or at the very least he’s a pimp, because I don’t know any other person that would wear a canary yellow suit, yellow tie, and a big brimmed yellow hat if he wasn’t peddling something illegal. 
If you don’t have children, you might not quite understand the words, terms and spectacular frustration that I internalize on a daily basis due to children’s programming (usually thrice daily, to be exact). If it doesn’t make sense now, it might later on, so feel free to laminate this column and just keep it on your person. But I digress …
Back to the eerily calm (i.e. prescription drug abuser) Man With the Yellow Hat. What I have a hard time believing is that he hasn’t beaten George with a baseball bat and thrown the furry little jerk off a bridge yet. If my daughter, Samantha, had caused even a small portion of the enormously exorbitant “accidents” that chimp has been guilty of, I would have sold her off on the black market a long time ago. 
With Google’s tentacles slithering through the inter webs, it seems I’ve pierced MWTYH’s seemingly innocuous alias to find out that his name is really Ted Shackleford. Which sounds like another alias to me. How many layers does Yella Hat have?  
Maybe he works for the CIA. I don’t have a clue what he does. I’ve seen him walk around a museum like he owns it. He’s even been an astronaut, a chef and a bird watcher. But he owns two homes and lives a fairly extravagant lifestyle for a guy without a day job. 
He sure as hell seems to have a lot of access for a guy that dresses like a banana and has a monkey for a best friend. Then again, maybe that’s why George sticks around. He’s waiting for his chance to gobble that big banana. God, that sounded bad. Moving on …
Dora the Explorer (is that really supposed to rhyme?) is another one of the cartooned propaganda programs that seemingly breeds inside my Tivo and is able to bore its way into my skull where it remains entrenched for weeks without any relief in sight. 
Oddly enough, Dora’s best friend is also a monkey but his name is Boots because, yep, he wears boots. She’s also real chummy with a Map from her backpack that has the stupidest theme song I’ve ever heard. Just say, “I’m the Map” five times, and you’ve now memorized that musical gem. Fred Flintstone is rolling over in his bedrock coffin.
Now that I think about it, Dora’s entire existence seems like a really freaky acid trip. She talks to a lot of animals and inanimate objects and is constantly afraid of a masked bandit-fox whom is aptly named Swiper. Swiper is even more inept than fan favorite and uber-violent Wile E. Coyote because the children ward Swiper off simply by saying, “Swiper, no swiping” numerous times. Then they cut to Swiper snapping his fingers and saying, “Awwww man!” 
More like, awww man, will you stab me in the ears and eyes so I don’t have to watch this show anymore? 
I guess this is just a way of me saying I miss all those violent, misogynistic, racist and stereotypically offensive cartoons of my youth. At least those were fun and our parents could quietly chuckle at all the adult humor that was flying over our innocent little heads. 
Well, at least Barney’s dead and those daffy gullible Christians killed off The Teletubbies. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.