Small Talk

Is there a spider on my head?

Is there a spider on my head? No, really, look again. I really think there’s a spider in my hair. No? Are you sure? I just felt something! OK, fine. Aaaaugh! My whole head feels like little bug feet are running sprints! 

Hmmm, what? Oh, hi. Me? Well, I probably have spiders in my hair. I’ve been cleaning up our back porch and I must have stuck my hands and head into a dozen spider webs. Why? Well, apparently our garden has a very special spider that spins an invisible kind of web that you don’t see until its wrapped around your face. Ech, ech, ech.

By the time I am finished with whatever outdoor project I have undertaken, I feel like Persephone before she dropped out of sight. I have leaves down my back, twigs up my sleeves and heaven-only-knows-what in my hair, and maybe in my ears. A stiff brushing always produces a small mulch pile, that hides, I am certain, stunned spiders.

Why am I clambering around in the back porch eaves? I’m glad you asked. I am the excited, thrilled and anticipatory owner of my very first hot tub. My husband and I strolled into the garden pavilion at the county fair and — boom — we fell in love with the coolest ever, plug-right-into-the-wall, saltwater hot tub.

It arrived yesterday and I had to do a bit of outdoor enhancement to make its designated corner of the yard a perfect hot tub haven.

I filled it as instructed, but am now in the grips of analysis paralysis. I plugged it in, pushed the button and it started making unfamiliar noises. I panicked. I’m terrified I will burn out the motor or void the warranty, so I will leave the rest to my spouse. When I get around mechanical things, I become a ham-handed mouth-breather. There are definitely times when it is good not to be married to another Fine Arts major. Sure, I can spell and quote the occasional bit of Shakespeare but that comes up a bit short when trying to decipher instruction manuals.

For now I am content just sitting on my lawn chair gazing at my beautiful new toy. Wait! Is there something in my hair?


Jean Gillette is a freelance writer who hopes to soon be drowning all hair spiders in hot water. Contact her at



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