The Coast News Group
Doorman Diaries

I’m finding many rich Nigerian relatives

Dear Widowed Wife of a Really Rich Relative Who Planned Rather Poorly for His Untimely Demise, 
Hello Ngobe! How are you? Oh right. Dead husband. So, probably not great. Moving on …
Thank you for the generous offer of $7.4 million from a secret long lost relative that I didn’t even know existed! In Nigeria. 
This sounds like a snazzy episode of “Unsolved Mysteries,” except it’s an episode where TV host and longtime character actor Robert Stack is talking directly to me! 
You must also be a stunning investigator since you managed to find me all the way over in the United States even though my first and last name were misspelled in your e-mail. Kudos to you!
But Mrs. Mukhenze, I have a couple of questions about how this transaction might work. I’m not a brilliant banker/philanthropist/doctor/perfect human like your husband was so I’m curious why you’d need assistance from a dingle in Carlsbad to help you unlock the millions you and your husband have funneled away over the years. 
Instead of giving me $7.4 million to free up $24 million, why wouldn’t you just spend $250 an hour for a good attorney? I know lawyers are kinda slimy but I’d feel a tad guilty about bilking you, my newfound rich relative from Nigeria, out of a large portion of your fortune just so your bank doesn’t charge you afew thousand in fees. Or was it your government? I’m still not clear on a few things. Is this new math money?
Now that I think of it, how did you accumulate such a prodigious fortune when you both are so glaringly bad with your finances? 
And did I read correctly in your e-mail that you praised God and Allah in the same sentence? Boy are you barkin’ up the wrong teepee with that line Mukhenze. Wait, is that supposed to be McKenzie? Hmmm, yeah Spuds, that would make a lot more sense than Mukhenze. 
I’m beginning to see why you need some help. I’m sorry to inform you that it appears someone has replaced your brain with a flaming turd.
Now that I think about it, I think you do actually owe me $7 million for wasting my time and exploiting the brain dead, the elderly, and most of those tornado magnet denizens of the Deep South. I can’t imagine you could actually fool anyone else with your 419 scam malarkey. 
Then again, if someone is dumb enough to give you all their money because of an e-mail they got from a poor spelling stranger from another country, then maybe that person doesn’t deserve to have had any savings in the first place and should actually self-lobotomize themselves just to chlorinate the gene pool a bit. 
That being said, I’ll be waiting patiently for my big check. Macallan wishes and candybar dreams,