Doorman Diaries

Christmas Eve with the Doorman

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the bar,
Most of the drunks were all snoring, not excluding
the town bore.

The Jager all lined on the bar with most care,
In hopes that these fratboys would soon pay their fare.
The people were nestled all snug on their stools,
While visions of cocktails made quite sure they’d all drool.

I the tender was pouring, Boston Jeff at the door;
Some dude let one fly, his pants barked with a roar.
When through the front door, came such a clamor;
In my view was a scumbag, who’s just left the town slammer.

Away to the door, I flew like a jet,
Ready to boot this moron I’d just met.
With arms all a flutter, so nimble and quick,
I was sure at the moment, this guy’d be a prick.

Similar to Eeyore, this guy was an ass;
He yelled and he puked, his language quite crass.
“Now a-hole, now smooshbag,” next ethnic slurs flew;
“Screw all you sumbitches, I just want a brew!”

To the edge of the door, at the top of my lungs,
I announced, “Beat it dirtbag, you smell like cow dung!”
And dry heaves he shared, with those in attendance;
We all wished we’d missed that, it was downright

We watched as he kissed the lightpoles he held dear;
I warned, “Just leave now,” but it fell on deaf ear.
So up the street he ambled, with a gait not quite sturdy;
He stopped fairly often to flip us the birdy.

This turd wore a suit, red with boots colored coal;
But this man was not Santa, more like a rank troll.
He spoke not in words, more like simple slurred grunts;
He scared not a person, he was only a runt.

And with his pockets all full, with ‘rettes that he’d snatched;
He put a butt to his lips, then demanded a match.
Done with my bar, he walked straight for the next;
Surely they’d laugh, like we did, at the sight of this

And sliding a finger, clear up his red snout,
And giving a scratch, showing what he’d pulled out.
He leapt from the bench, clearly drunk from hard booze,
Nearly fell on his keester, Jack Daniel’s his muse.

And I heard him cry out, and he ran from our sight,
“Screw all you bastards, see you tomorrow night!”

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