Doorman Diaries

Christmas carols with the Doorman

(Sung to the tune of ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire’)

Chest bumps thumping near an open bar
Jack shots spilling on your toes
Stinky barking puppy tied up near the door
A dingle frat smoosh with his bros

Everybody knows a lighter and some 151
Help to light a room much too bright
Tater tots are much too fun
They’ll find the toilet later tonight

We all know Last Call’s on its way
They’re all loaded and will face a porcelain pray
Another drunk girl starts to cry
Bouncers make another rude customer fly

Underbreath I mumble another phrase
to all those walking in the bar
I’ve said it every way, many hours every day
“I despise most of you”

(Sung to the tune of ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’)

Buy yourself a pricey little Chriskwanzannakuh
Make your wallet light
From now on your savings
will be gone from sight

Buy yourself a pricey little Chriskwanzannakuh
Can’t use the word gay
From now on your cash
will just go away

Just like way back in the day
Not much fun for a non-white
Agitating friends who live near us
Show up regardless of an invite

Through the tears
We’re still stuck with each other
restraining orders disavowed
Hang your sagging hopes
on a graying cloud
and buy yourself a pricey little Chriskwanzannakuh pal …

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