I’ve earned a Ph.D in pessimism

After years of work and patient diligence, I’ve finally earned my law degree.
It takes a dedicated, clear-thinking individual to see through silly banalities and make strong, important decisions that benefit those around them.
What? Law school? What the hell is a “law” school?
No, no, no. I have a Murphy’s Law Degree. A JDM.
I’m sure you know all about that ever-present phenomenon that we’ve all dallied with occasionally: If something can go wrong in a situation, it most definitely will.
The term Murphy’s Law originated from Army engineer Edward Murphy, whose tests involved rocket sleds and human g-force testing in the 1950s.
He allegedly made the comment about his assistant stating, “If that guy has any way of making a mistake, he will.”
To me, this sounds strangely like a boss trying to pin his failed ability to competently do his job on the people tasked to work on his behalf.
Maybe Murph should have spent more time choosing assistants and less time becoming a cultural zeitgeist.
Some examples of Murphy’s Law, you ask? Ask and ye shall receive, you smoothed out, slappy goof.
1. When using a tool, at the most inopportune time, it will fall from your hands and seemingly disappear from the planet. This happened to me recently with a metal ring that keeps my daughter’s bike seat from falling off my bike. Gone. From. Existence.
2. My Wi-Fi will poop itself only when something I’ve written is due within minutes. That winking little light will wither and die on my laptop, and at that point, I’ll know that Murphy has made a comment about the content of my blather. My only hope is that by revealing his true nature in this hard-hitting expose, he’ll allow me to spread his screw-you gospel to the millions that read my column.
3. The only tried and true method for finding a sharp object is to walk around barefoot, preferably at night when your daughter is still teetering in and out of sleep and would easily be awakened by a shrill, screaming shriek ending in a manly cough and the dabbing of very masculine tears.  
(Frighteningly obvious proof that God/Jebus/Murphy’s Law Chtulu monsters read my column: While writing this, my wife accidentally broke a bottle of salad dressing. Even after her maniacally efficient cleaning of our kitchen floors, I found a missing piece of glass with my bare foot … at 2 a.m. Duh duh duhhhhhhh!)
4. When you choose a line at the supermarket, that line will immediately become a sad, lethargic queue lead by a frugal schmuck with a cheap tie that’s decided to make it rain with coupons for his entire months worth of Top Ramen, turkey jerky and strawberry Yoo Hoo.
The sooner we learn how to harness and accelerate our existence by utilizing our knowledge of Murphy’s Law, the sooner we’ll have cell phones that don’t drop calls from our miffed spouses and cars that don’t commit Seppuku on the way to a job interview.
Oh, and the most popular example is probably the buttered toast phenomenon. If you drop buttered toast, it will unfailingly fall butter side down.
Which only leads us to one possible, logical conclusion about Murphy’s Law: use margarine.


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