I’ve got a bridge to sell you

Humans, the barely evolved cousin to the poo-tossing primates we call genetic kin, have become a gullible group of pathetic whiners, pointless consumers and fiscally self-serving sycophants. And we can’t seem to get enough of it. 
Most everything you read, hear or see on TV is pushing a product that we have absolutely no need for. Credit cards, online shopping and dunderhead Americans’ seemingly prolific responsibility to keep buying worthless shit has made us the bumbling fools of the economic world. 
One glaring example of Americana Retardica at their razor dullest is the Snuggie. 
First, if you can’t figure out how to use a blanket, then just hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Hard. And then do it again because I don’t want you diluting the gene pool any more. 
Do you know what a Snuggie is? It’s a damn bathrobe on backward! Any semi-functioning biped can figure out that engineering gem. And yet, they market an almost SNL-style skit infomercial and it sells like a newborn on the black market.
And Publisher’s Clearinghouse is a good idea, right? No, it’s dumb, and so are you if you participate.  
Or how about all the new-age hippies and their “cleansing colonics”? Hate to burst your bubble there Sky Moon Barkthistle, but that’s just water up your butt. Like an enema, except much more dangerous and expensive, and not endorsed by the American Medical Association. 
I’m sorry, but a title of “holistic MD” just means you smoked enough weed to create a gimmick to charge people for their fears. Just get a garden hose and do a little research before you give your money to someone with little medical technique and an inability to even spell Hippocratic Oath. 
Maybe those supplements you’re eating at a feverish pace make you think you feel better, but here’s a little reality dose for you: all those vitamins and superfluous nutrients are simply turning into expensive urine. Your body can’t process it, so it just gets rid of it. 
Marketing companies salivate at America’s laziness and stupidity. We’re fat, so stick a hose up our butts and give us pills that will make us thin. We’re cold and lazy, so give us a blanket with arms. 
How about you just get off the couch, eat less, and go for a walk? Or get an old blanket out of the cabinet and I’m sure the lost art of covering yourself with a blanket will come right back to you.
Actually, I have a pill that was studied, examined extensively and tested by the esteemed labs at the renowned French university Maison De l’Eau. It’s called the Obecalp 2000, and if you don’t have it, you need it. As soon as I take four capsules, ($65 for a bottle of 100, on my Web site) I feel happier, healthier, and just get an overall sense that the world is a better place. 
And if you buy that … well, then I guess you’re an American.

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