I’m not a cannibal, but if I were…

Odd thoughts come to me on almost a daily basis. There’s no rhyme or reason as to why they find their way into my head. I think it’s a byproduct of writing a column and the incessant search to find something interesting to write about. And in the spirit of sharing, this is one of those ideas.
As I sat in front of a formidable portion of glistening rib eye that was pristinely carved from a most wonderful moo beast somewhere in a lazily swaying grass field in Nebraska, a strange thought occurred to me: Would a visitor from another planet view our appetite for other earthbound creatures as a form of Earthling on Earthling cannibalism?
This line of thought led me to another question I never thought I’d ask myself.
If I were in a dire situation in which I had no choice but to become a cannibal, who among a group of friends would I devour and why? Like that movie “Alive,” which tells the story of the Uruguayan Old Christians rugby team and their unbelievable efforts to survive a plane crash in the Andes. That got me thinking as well. 
A small disclaimer: I am not, nor have I ever been, enticed into consuming human flesh. Though I do freely admit to being a voracious nail biter in my youth, I do not condone nor endorse cannibalization. 
There are a few friends that I deem inappropriate to eat. Not on moral grounds mind you, just that they don’t seem very appetizing.
1. Smokers are safe.
There’s a reason that cigarettes are called butts. I mean, maybe my friends that light up will taste like barbecue and bacon because of the smoke inhalation but I’m going to go out on a limb and say probably not.
2. Skinny, athletic types.
Not only do I hate you in life, I now hate you in death. I can’t eat any of you. What a waste. Too skinny, and the muscle is too fibrous and chewy to eat. All that dieting, running and lifting has made you worthless to me. You’re so inconsiderate.
3. Angry vegans.
You taste like angst, tofu and patchouli. Please eat a hamburger or snag a Snicker’s bar. I can’t possibly survive in the desolate wilderness if all I have to eat is you. You selfish jerks.
And then there are those that are just begging to be lunch.
1. My chubby, omnivore pals.
Thank you for tenderizing your bodies and preparing them for my eventual survival snack. You’ve spent many years aggressively stationary with an almost fervent hatred of physical activity, and I thank you for that. It’s contributed to your gelatinous figure that just screams to be slow roasted over an open flame.
2. The mouthy, obnoxious know-it-all.
I bet you didn’t see this coming, did you?
3. All of the above if I’m hungry enough.
That being said, the next time you’re out with a group of friends, take a peek around you. If something catastrophic happened, and you were forced to do the unthinkable, who would end up on your dinner plate?
And if you catch someone in your group looking you up and down with a knife and fork in hand, you’d better hope you’re the only one that read this column.
Happy hunting.


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