I’m sorry folks, but it’s true.

Gasoline is closing in on $5 a gallon. If that wasn’t nauseating enough, now I have to listen to every person over the age of 60 talk about those days when they were filling their tanks at 30 cents a gallon.

Please, do not add insult to (financial) injury.

The interesting part is listening to the CEOs of Big Oil trying to tell us simple folk how their billions of dollars in profits aren’t really profits at all.

They try to relay that they’re reinvesting that money into more oil, which makes no sense since none of us actually know what the word “reinvest” means because we have no money in the first place.

Plus they like to share this information from a diamond-encrusted podium, surrounded by golden serfs and sitting their pasty asses on shredded $100 bills used as padding.

Actually, it’s gotten so bad I’m expecting a midget to pop out of the pump and slash my tires or punch me in my fun bits.

 So I think I might have a solution to the rising gas costs that are plaguing these United States. I think we should start pouring Jack Daniel’s into our vehicles. Preferably law enforcement and politicians’ shiny new SUVs. If your car can run on bourbon via grubby garden hose, then you are indeed a true petrol champion. If your car chokes on the whiskey and dies, then ha ha — you’re dumb. And probably a hippy. And gas smells much better than patchouli.

Seriously though, when did $5 for a tank of gas become OK?

Not only that, but if you look at any Web site that shows the price of gas across the country, you almost get a sense that all those Republicans and their oil money really, really hate California.

Is it our shiny happy way of living amongst the dolphins, movie stars and palm trees?

Now take a look at the soft, bloated midsection of our country and lo and behold — they pay less for gas. And all the rest of us on this coast are left taking it up the tail pipe.

I’m sure you’ll cry shipping costs, transportation fees, demand, etc. But come on, everyone just likes us better out here. You know they’re just jealous and vindictive.

And obviously have more money than me because it costs $80 to fill the tank of my Jeep.

So please Mr. Bush, or Mr. OPEC or whoever has the power of crude readjustment, please give me my gasoline back at a normal price. I don’t have a bike to ride to work. Only my roller skates from 1983. And no one wants to see me in my OP shorty shorts either. Trust me.

You’ve been warned!