As I puttered around the various pages of the Internet doing research for a freelance article I was planning to write (see: wasting time), I clicked a link titled, “Are You Smarter Than a DJ?”

Air 1 Radio, whose Web site makes me think more of missed free throws than Jeebus and his minions, is a radio station geared toward young adults and teens with the intent of “delivering positive cutting-edge Christian music to teenagers and young adults.” Positive maybe. Cutting edge? Yeah, I kind of giggled as I read it, too.

As I meandered around the Web site, I came across their mission statement. My heart leapt with joy as my inner atheist kicked my agnostic self in the skull and I was off to pester and annoy those that hold the Bible so dear and take themselves so seriously.

The Web site had a few passages from the Bible that really describes how the radio station feels and what drives their message. My job, I believe, is to make fun of them.

1. “The Bible to be the only inspired, infallible and authoritative Word of God.”

Infallible? That’s an awfully boastful statement for a guy that can’t convince the other 3 billion people on the planet that Jeebus is awesome.

2. “There is one true God eternally existent in three persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit.”

Wait, so is there one God or three? Because I’m pretty sure they just named three dudes: A guy, his kid and some high and mighty booze. This book is confusing.

3. “Only through the power of the Holy Spirit is the Christian able to live a more godly life.”

Wait a minute here. Are they saying the more I drink, the closer to God I get? Holy communion wine, I had no idea. Turns out I’ve been a Bible thumper this whole time. And what does “more Godly” really mean anyway? Am I supposed to be more grumpy, vengeful yet loving, then smite people for fun?

4. “There is a resurrection of both the saved and the lost — the saved to eternal life in heaven, the lost to hell.”

Whoops. Guess I know where I’m headed...

5. “Jesus Christ rose from the dead and is returning soon.”

So he’s been hanging around for a couple thousand years, just sipping lattes with his dad and cavorting with the angels while the rest of us suffer through war, famine, murder and sermons from false prophets?

Doesn’t anyone besides me want to ask him to get his act together and drop on down? We know he got the job through the worst case of nepotism I’ve ever seen, but maybe it’s time to don the robes and get back to work down here. It’s getting kind of bad. 

6. “We must dedicate ourselves anew to the service of our Lord and to His authority over our lives.”

And that folks, is exactly what religion is about. Whether it’s through a radio station, a book or a pulpit, religion has been trying to tell others how to live their lives since the beginning.

But free will is also one of the gifts their God gave them. And I simply choose to change the radio station.