I love to curse.

Swearing, cussing, and taking the Lord’s name in vain have all had just as fertile influence into who I am as reading “Lord of the Flies” or any algebra test I’ve cheated on in my life.

One aspect of discourse that still holds true to this day is that using language considered inappropriate in social circles will win you no approval, and usually paints you as a crass turd not worth sharing conversation with.

Yet, I’ve found one thing to be perpetually constant: whether you pay your bills by pushing pills, stocks, or God, most likely you’ve used words that were deemed offensive.

I’ve been wrangled, pushed, prodded and nearly threatened by various editors in my time. At The Coast News Group, I’ve worked with five boss-type editors and although my prose tends to walk along the uncultured folds of society that most of us want to pretend is utilized by gutter dwellers and rent-to-owners, the content of my column stays within the guidelines set by those editors.

About two weeks ago, I had a meeting with my Big Boss and was given a piece of paper illustrating the curse-like words I’m allowed to use in my column, and those words viewed as too morbid and disgusting to grace the newspapers’ pages.

Unlike most writers, I was elated. Could I possibly figure out how to use all the words that were taboo? No, I decided, pulling crap like that wouldn’t be feasible for a dumbass like myself. My silly ass would screw it up and my editor would make me rewrite my entire column.

But I did feel the need to write about something that was comical without discussing boobs and piss — again.

So I chose to illuminate, in some way, the dozen words that I’m not allowed to use.

1. Something that slows or hinders development or slang for a person with special needs — like our president.

2. A British term for a cigarette or a person with style and class that usually starts out as a Republican senator.

3. “Anus,” but more descriptive and ending in “hole,” not “butt,” cause I think I’m still allowed to say that.

4. A female dog. And something you never call your girlfriend or wife unless you prefer accommodations on the sofa.

5. Richard Nixon was a tricky one.

6. This one has to do with a child born out of wedlock but who cares about marriage nowadays? That’s so Orange County.

7. A woman of loose morals.

8. A woman of loose morals who charges.

9. A word that rhymes with trick and it happens to you when you’re giving blood. Also known as Donald Trump’s nickname.

10. This one is too off the wall.

11. Another term for a rooster. It still warms the cockles of my heart when I hear it.

12. Another word for cat. Meow.

I’ve said this before, but they’re just words. We’re the ones that give them power and jurisdiction over us. Offensive words can be productive every now and then — they might provoke us to talk a little more and fight a little less.