I would wager that more than the average amount of ridiculous happens in my life. I am still chuckling from the latest installment.My intentions were good. I was making a turkey tail out of large pieces of cardboard (cut out in feather shapes) to which I planned to affix colored butcher paper. To that end, I had purchased spray adhesive.
Unlike my last can of spray adhesive, which sprayed like hairspray, this can sprayed like Silly String. So I was scrutinizing it and trying to “adapt” it with pliers. There was probably a label that said, “Don’t scrutinize this and try to adapt it with pliers, especially up close,” but I didn’t read it.
Instead I sprayed adhesive right across my face from right cheek to left temple. I was wearing my glasses at the time and they took a direct hit.
My first reaction was “Oh NO. I’ve just ruined my $300 glasses.” A bit later, after I had pulled out most of my left eyebrow trying to remove the glue, I was struck by a more horrifying and equally more hilarious truth. If I hadn’t been wearing my glasses I would very probably have glued my contact lenses to my eyes, glued my eyes shut, lost all my eyelashes or all of the above.
By the time this struck me, I was howling with laughter at the entire SNAFU. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but as I shared my story with the brilliant 20-something who rooms at my house, I couldn’t stop laughing.
Then this young man climbed right to the top of my Christmas list. I was bemoaning the fact that I had ruined my glasses and had glue on my face and for the price of new glasses, I could have bought an entire turkey costume.
“Have you tried alcohol?” he asked, being the clever pre-nursing, chemistry-taking student that he is.
Well, my first response, of course, that a glass of wine might improve my mood, but my glasses were still shot. Then I realized he meant rubbing alcohol. I had nothing to lose, so I poured it on. By darn, it worked. My glasses are adhesive-free and like new after just a bit of scrubbing.
Now I really started to laugh. Not only did I get a column from it all and a good laugh, I got a happy ending.
The next morning I strapped on my handmade turkey tail and led the “Pre-Thanksgiving Walk-to-School” event from my neighborhood to my elementary school. I was orange, yellow, brown and very, very green. And only a tiny bit sticky.
Jean Gillette is a freelance writer stuck on the holidays. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.