If you need some levity in your life, just get rid of your email spam filter.The things that come my way are often outrageous, but they are always good for a laugh. I think my recent favorite is the one all in Russian … who is this aimed at? What are the chances I’m going to speak Russian? The Cyrillic alphabet looks very cool though; as do the emails I receive in Chinese. They remind me that in my next life I am going to speak seven languages.
The normal weekly selection of the puzzling and peculiar often do, at first, have some Siren song to them. Who doesn’t want a simple, swift escape from stress, or to lose 20 pounds, cure disease with something from your pantry or accept that $40 million that some sad fellow in the Third World needs you to take off his hands. These hucksters know how to pluck your imagination strings, as have con men through the ages.
At the newspaper, I get regular announcements of some allegedly local stiff who has won some swell contest sponsored by the public relations staff of any number of start-up businesses who need free advertising. The prize they have won is always lame. These guys need to step it up and give away a lifetime supply of whatever or a car for every day of the week. Now that would be newsworthy.
There are, of course, dozens of drugs, legal and otherwise, that can be ordered. I can’t shake the feeling they would be delivered by FBI agents, with handcuffs at the ready.
My curiosity was briefly piqued by a recent offer for a “long-term” motorcycle test ride. Does that mean I have to drive it cross-country or perhaps trans-continentally? I know that might be a huge draw for some folk, but it’s pretty much at the bottom of my to-do list.
I am regularly made privy to the secret, underhanded agendas of every political party and special interest group. It is just the place to gather skewed statistics from questionable polls that I can quote as gospel. The best one was a story about an FBI agent who saw angels. Would that it were true. And need I mention the onslaught of offers for remedies for body parts not mentionable in this column. I can get treatments for parts I don’t have or didn’t even know needed attention.
And then there are the ones written in complete gibberish, with the subject line like Q2Vs*ZWJy&YXR#lIHR@oZ. Yeah, that’s irresistible.
The bottom line, it seems, is that all these offers and stories are guaranteed to save me time and money. Don’t you love the irony? If they really want to do that, they need to just take their finger off the send key.
Jean Gillette is a freelance writer with her finger on the delete key. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.