Peddling cookies or plotting our demise?

If you don’t read this column, you’re not doing your part as an American.
You’re un-American if you can’t see how quickly they’ve infiltrated every facet of our culture. They’ve become a sinister greenish-brown swath of young heathens, bouncing down the path to our door.
We scour every facet of our communities to unveil a group thriving within our borders. We know where they are and what they’re planning. Their enterprising push toward making us a weaker nation has been discovered and is now going to be crumbled by those who love these United States.
They pretend to care about who we are, yet proceed arrogantly in offering dangerous temptations. I’m tired of shielding my face and dampening my voice in regard to their obvious fiscal path towards world domination.
Curse you Thin Mints.
Vamanos, Dulce De Leches. You’re in America now … speak Spanglish, you slick bandito.   
Samoas … I don’t even know what that name means. But you have coconut, therefore it’s my job as to avoid you.
Tagalongs … how could you do that? Peanut butter? The culinary paste that holds our raisins onto our celery? That’s low, you crafty elfs. You just won’t stop peddling those Girl Scout cookies.
I thought it was time someone said something about those pig-tailed terrorists, marching their way up and down my street, squeezing bits and pieces out of my mortgage payment that I don’t have, to pay for things I don’t want but can’t resist, only to lead me to medical conditions that I don’t expect. 
Isn’t that the definition of a domestic terrorist? Spreading fear and disrupting the very fabric of societal existence that helps us to be productive citizens? There’s another term to describe that: Cookies.
Though what is life without those small circles of molten caramel and gooey pastry? Or those little chocolate medallions of minty magnificence? I am convinced that these cookie vendors secretly hate Americans along with Fox News. Just for those of you who are still in denial, Girl Scout cookies aren’t good for you. They have about a thousand million calories per box. If you eat three sleeves of those scrumptious little disasters, you might want to schedule an angioplasty the next day and scrape that crud out of your arteries.
But I’m still going with the anti-American terrorist vibe for the Girl Scouts. Come on, you seriously don’t see it? The uniforms, the berets? The attack-dog tactics at grocery stores? Until we stand up in unity, they will continue to bombard us with their guilt speech and tasty heart disease in a box.
Viva la Oreo!


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